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This is my fixing the Internet story.
I knew my Internet needed fixing but I put it off because it was always a long and stressful process, and this attempt was no exception. So here is a summary:
Pull out computer tower, lay on side, facing out to have access to the back plugs (Its BIG and heavy)
Modem is in kitchen, computer is in office.
Plug in modem-phone cord-joiner-phone cord-joiner-phone cord-joiner-phone cord-computer
Wait ages for call back.
Answer phone, blah blah blah blah, try n fix. Blah blah, try n fix
Have phone cords plugged in incorrectly. Unplug modem-phone cord-joiner-phone cord-joiner-phone cord-joiner-phone cord-computer
Mess around with cords while listening on a mobile phone.
Unplug modem and move to computer
Plug in phone cord-joiner-phone cord-joiner-phone cord-joiner-phone cord-modem-Ethernet cable-computer.
Plug in modem to power point near computer.
Blah blah fix a few things.
INTERNET WORKING PROPERLY
Thank the techie profusely.
Put everything back where it goes.
Unplug the cords, put the computer tower upright, and move the modem back where it belongs.
Internet stops working.
Wait even longer for a call back.
Get call back.
Move computer tower, modem and plugged all the cords back with phone jammed under my ear.
Blah blah blah, try this, try that, wouldn't work, blah blah, try this, how about this, not working, blahblahblah. How about reset the modem? Push a paper clip in the back, hold for 30 seconds.
Frantically search for a paper clip, find one.
Turn modem over, hold paper clip in the hole, keep talking on the phone.
Techie says look at the lights, when they go out it's reset.
The lights are on the bottom, can't see, try to turn it over, while holding the paper clip in the hole and holding the phone on my ear with my shoulder.
I fail, phone falls down, phone closes and hangs up on the techie.
Techie rings back on landline, politely tell him I can't reach the computer with it.
He rings back on the mobile.
Blah blah blah blah blah try this and this. Its not working, not doing what it's supposed to be doing. I'm sweating, barely breathe.
Mobile phone starts to go flat.
Try and plug the charger into the phone, while talking on it and fiddling with other stuff.
Techie remains surprisingly calm.
Have you got a laptop? Why yes I have. Well try using that,
Run to bedroom to try laptop, have to unplug mobile phone, still going flat.
Blah blah, try to fix things, couldn't, lappy stops co-operating.
Plug the laptop into the Ethernet cable, techie says.
Run with mobile phone in one hand, laptop in the other and mouse shoved down my bra to the other end of the house to plug it in.
The thing the Techie was trying to get me to do finally worked on the laptop.
I was stunned, its fixed he declared. I wasn't to sure.
Hang up with little enthusiasm.
Five minutes later, internet stops working.
Call Technicians, wait for a call back.
Set everything up this time.
Cleverly moved the laptop to the kitchen where the modem goes and plugged the ethernet cable straight in, charged my mobile.
Laptop on one kitchen chair, myself on the other.
Washed dishes while waiting for a call back.
Got call back.
Blahblahblah, try a few things, not working. Do this, do that.
WORKING PERFECTLY OMG GOT 5 BARS.
Unplugged the ethernet cable to test the wireless.
Drops out 30 seconds later.
Try this and that, nothing worked. How about unplugging power cable of modem and plugging it back in?
Leant on corner of chair and stretched to reach to cord.
Chair leg snapped in half, chair collapsed I fell off, landed on my butt with legs in the air. Try to save the laptop, modem, mouse and my phone from hitting the ground. Succeeded.
Still on the phone, ouch I said from my supine position.
You need a new modem techie declared, let me organise that for you.