No I am not OK.

Mental Illness still seems to be taboo to talk about. But I am going to anyway. I am struggling, really struggling, I don't know how I get from day to day. Sometimes I think it is just sheer luck. I've had this condition for 15 years, and I still haven't gotten a proper diagnosis or treatment. I am at the end of my rope, I've been trying and trying to the right people to listen, but I don't know who they are and where they are. Having this condition also means I lack the mental fortitude to seek out the proper physicians who can help me. Believe me, I've tried a lot. The biggest problem is BPD is not well recognised, is hard to treat and controversial. Many practitioners put it in the "too hard basket" and refuse to to treat it, or treat you like you have something else. They lie to you, tell you got other problems, but wont admit BPD. I've had to fight every step of the way for recognition of my illness, it's a hard fight, and one that slow and painful.

I can't work. Sometimes I can't even go outside, I haven't left my property in a week.  I cannot cope with every day communications and human interactions of any type are difficult and stressful. I think of suicide almost everyday. I am scared of phones, needles and new situations. Every time I have to explain my symptoms I am left with a raw open wound, and then they say they can't help me. I have to work very hard to be in control of my environment because as soon as something goes wrong, I lose my ability to do anything. I waste most of my life having an "episode" where I can't do anything, barely shower or change my clothes and often don't eat. I have angry outbusrts and I throw things, and get such a rush of emotions I can barely breathe.

Yet still I'm not "sick enough" I don't "look sick" apparently all I have is a touch of "depression". Yet practitioners have been talking among themselves, they know I have BPD, but they don't want to tell me. In some places it is protocol not to tell patients they have BPD as it is too much for them to bear.

I am trying again, I am trying to "get accepted" into a mental health centre. They've had my file for three weeks and it's yet to be reviewed for admittance. After many phone calls from my parents in a different state, they finally contacted me and I had a horrible conversation which left me with the raw open wound and more questions than answers. He said he'd make sure my case gets in for review and wait for a phone call. I and my parents have waited for a dozen phone calls from them with none occurring, so I won't hold my breath. What kind of society do we have when you have to beg for treatment.

So I am on the roller coaster ride again. Will they actually look at my case? Will they decide I am "not sick enough" like everyone else? I feel kind of violated that people will be talking about, I just hope that it will be worth it. If I don't get in here, I am running out of options.

I am in a very fragile state right now and friendships are even harder to cope with than usual and I will be taking a bit of a break from them.